Rich Americans are still buying Pelotons and oat milk, while everyone else is doing mental math in the cereal aisle. From Coke to toy companies, brands say the middle-class groove is officially off-tempo—and no one’s sure when it’s dropping a new track.
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Donald Trump reignited the trade war with our upstairs neighbors, slapping a 10% tariff hike on Canadian imports after an Ontario ad used a Ronald Reagan speech to mock U.S. policy. Trump called it a “hostile act,” proving that free trade is fine—until you quote the Great Communicator. Talks are on ice, maple syrup’s about to get pricier, and somewhere Reagan’s ghost is whispering, “There you go again.” Didn’t think you were getting a Walter Mondale reference today, did you?
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Target’s incoming CEO, Michael Fiddelke, just handed 1,800 corporate workers their walking papers in what analysts call a “necessary reset.” Translation: the red bullseye’s aiming for efficiency after missing sales targets for two straight quarters. The layoffs hit execs three times harder than employees—proof that even the corner offices aren’t safe when the stock’s down 30%. On the bright side, at least the Taylor Swift merch is still exclusive.
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A new “economic storytelling” index grades states on how good they are at hyping their own success. Because in 2025, it’s not enough to create jobs—you’ve got to have a killer tagline and a drone shot of your downtown, too.
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Xbox chief Matt Booty (stop laughing) says the console wars are over—and the enemy isn’t Sony, it’s your scrolling thumb. With Halo landing on PlayStation and execs calling exclusives “antiquated,” Microsoft’s gaming arm is leaning hard into its multiplatform era. Translation: Xbox doesn’t care what box you’re playing on, as long as you’re still paying. Layoffs, price hikes, and TikTok envy—welcome to the next-gen experience.
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Wolf Van Halen says he had a full-blown panic attack on a flight to Mexico before opening for Metallica—complete with nausea, cold sweats, and the sudden realization that turbulence feels a lot worse when your last name is Van Halen. He still played the show, then turned the experience into lyrics about anxiety and doomsday panic. Somewhere, his dad’s nodding: the kid still knows how to rock through the chaos.
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Jon Bon Jovi insists he’s not hitting the road for the cheers—he’s chasing “joy,” not decibels. After years of vocal-cord rehab, the Jersey legend says the upcoming tour isn’t about the spotlight, it’s about the songs. Noble words from a guy who once sold out stadiums for decades straight. But let’s be real—everyone’s just wondering if Richie Sambora’s ever coming back.
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Christopher Mintz-Plasse, better known as McLovin from Superbad, has traded fake IDs for Fender guitars. The once-awkward teen legend is now touring with his indie band MainMan and actually pulling it off. Turns out the kid who made “McLovin” a household name can also write a hook. Somewhere, Seth and Evan are still waiting outside the liquor store.
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The Mullet Times — Just the Facts… and the Snark. We’ve Got the Snark Too.