BUSINESS ABOVE THE FOLD
Gold Breaks $4,000 While Stocks Slip
Gold prices hit an all-time high this week, while stocks quietly tripped over their own shoelaces. When the shiny stuff starts outperforming tech, you know investors are stress-eating Kit Kats.
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Corporate Profits Cool — But AI Spending Still Hot
Earnings growth is slowing across corporate America, but spending on artificial intelligence refuses to chill. Basically, everyone’s cutting costs except for the robot budget.
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Small Businesses Hang On While Hiring Stalls
Main Street profits stayed steady through September, but hiring flatlined and credit use ticked up. The mood? “We’re fine… for now.”
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Tiny Firms Trim 48,000 Jobs in September
Companies with fewer than 10 employees shed nearly 50,000 jobs last month — a reminder that small doesn’t mean safe. The grind is real, and so is the turnover.
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Hiring Pauses as Earnings Season Looms
With Q3 earnings around the corner and uncertainty piling up, companies hit pause on adding staff. It’s the fiscal version of “we should jam sometime” — lots of talk, no follow-through.
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FEAR THE MULLET
The stare (and mullet) that sealed your fate.
PARTY BELOW THE FOLD
AFI Drop Silver Bleeds the Black Sun… and Go Full Goth
The veteran punks leaned into their dark side with a record that sounds like The Cure met Nine Inch Nails in a fog machine. Black eyeliner sales expected to rise 300%.
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Lovejoy Make Their U.S. Album Debut with One Simple Trick
The British alt-rock newcomers landed stateside with their first full-length — part upbeat riffs, part existential dread. Basically, it’s your twenties in album form.
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Rush Confirms 2026 Reunion Tour
Geddy Lee and Alex Lifeson are hitting the road again next year, honoring their late bandmate Neil Peart with one final run. Prog-rock fans, start saving for merch now.
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The Mullet Times — Legitimate Headlines. Dubious Hairlines.